By: Ande Dagan
Final four! Last night, the Racers departed Guilin, China and flew to Beijing. Their first task was to sip some Chinese medicinal tea while undergoing the ancient ritual of Chinese foot torture. Luckily the tea was seeped with lavender, morphine, and peyote so the Racers could trip balls while getting their feet hammered. Still, their painful squeals sounded eerily like a child birthing porn.
Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself:
Onto the Detour where this season’s theme of getting Racers to appear as naked as possible carried on. The teams had to choose between synchronized jumping into water or doing a few laps in a pool once inhabited by Michael Phelps, all the while decked out in Speedos. Tammy and Victor, having spent their summers indoors at math camp and far away from giant holes in the ground filled with water, decided the synchronized jumping would probably be easier for them. And more entertaining for us viewers. Kisha and Jen followed them since Jen’s notion of swimming was to keep her face ducked underwater while her arms and legs flapped in all different directions. Both teams failed to jump in the water correctly and eventually had to make their way over to the lap pool.
At the lap pool, the redheads somehow managed to take the lead. Margie and Luke finished right after them and jammed outta there. Tammy and Victor eventually completed the task even though Tammy’s swimming skills were on par with a floating mosquito. Kisha and Jen had some trouble, okay a lot of trouble, but were able to float around enough times going back and forth to be given the next clue.
And onto the pit stop! So soon! The redheads were the first to cross the finish line, only to be told by a sadistic Phil that this lap of the race was not yet over. To be continued, biatches!