We are so excited by the Britney Spears special version of Glee, we can barely write this blog. How can we sing and dance along with the show if we are typing? The things we do for you, AMP listeners! Get ready to Gleek out with our live blog (beware: spoilers!) plus live-tweeting from the pop superstar herself, [lastfm]Britney Spears[/lastfm]!
The third episode of the season starts with Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison) being “conveniently” boring (he’s never been one to shy away from provocation before, so why now?) and he attempts to convince the Glee kids that doing smooth,”restrained” music like [lastfm]Christopher Cross[/lastfm] is what the Glee club is missing. Super boring, Schue.
When Kurt (Chris Colfer) vehemently tries to convince Schue to sing Britney Spears. Schue says no. Is anyone as annoyed with Will Schuester as we are this season? We want the awkward, charming teacher back.
One of our favorite characters on Glee, Heather Morris, plays “Brittany”–a character apparently modeled after Britney Spears. She doesn’t want to do Britney Spears music either. One of the Glee kids asks, “Why no Britney, Brittany?” The hilariously space cadet-y Brittany answers: “I’ve lived my entire life in Britney Spears’ shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous.” It becomes apparent that the Glee writers are playing this episode off as a story about “not being good enough.” Much in the same vein that Britney Spears has been attacked by the media for not being “good enough” at being a pop star, mom, or a woman. Very clever, Glee. Very clever.
Neurotic counselor Emma (Jayma Mayes) comes in and shows off her sexy new boyfriend, Dr. Carl (John Stamos) or as we will always know him, Uncle Jesse. Damn, he is still looking foxy. We would like to make a “full house” with him.
Sultry cheerleader Santana (Naya Rivera) agrees as the dentist makes them chew on blue plaque things, “Can I just say you are the hottest dentist I’ve ever seen?” After Brittany chews on her blue plaque detector, they show that she has a very dirty mouth: “I don’t brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.”
Umm, this sounds disgusting but we actually knew girls in high school who did this. And Jessica Simpson doesn’t brush her teeth either. Maybe Brittany was modeled after another blonde teen pop star?
Of course, the story arc leads Brittany to the dentist where she has two of our favorite lines in the entire show: “Please don’t pull out all my teeth. When I smile I’ll look like an adult baby but with boobs” and “”This room looks like that one on that spaceship where I got probed.” Her and Sue Sylvester are neck and neck for general hilarity.
It gets really good under anesthesia for several reasons. First, Brittany (who normally acts high) gets high. Second, it becomes clear that a high Brittany is a more lucid, intelligent Brittany. Third, Brittany gets put under and does Spears’ “Slave For U.” Complete with the snake, bedazzled nude suit and red latex suit from “Oops, I Did It Again.”
While we fear being attacked by crazed Britney Spears lovers, we actually think Heather Morris did a better job. Shoot us with a giant glitter gun now. We don’t care. Heather, you are amazing!
So, the “I’m not good enough” theme of the show quickly gets layered with “I need to go get high (under dentist anesthesia) to feel better about myself.” Or rather, “Getting anesthesia makes me feel like Britney Spears and feeling like Britney Spears makes me feel awesome.” Essentially, Spears is a gateway drug. Pay attention, kids. This is going to come up later in the episode.
Santana wants to get her anesthesia on with Brittany (and Britney) so the two go back to the hot dentist (Uncle Jesse!). They put on headphones together and perform an amazing rendition of “Me Against The Music” where Santana plays–you guessed it–[lastfm]Madonna[/lastfm]. Ironic and yet…fitting.
This is when the magic really happens: Brittany meets Britney! Brittany gets pinned up against the wall by Britney. Brittany: “You’re really hot.” Britney: “You’re sweet.” Brittany: “And your breath smells really good.” Britney: “So does yours. And you know why? Because this is a fantasy.”
Cheerleader B finds her inner strength to be…egotistical: “I would just like to say that from now on I demand to do every solo in Glee club. When I had my teeth cleaned, I had a Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am. I’m more talented than all of you. I clearly know. It’s Brittany…b*tch.”
And then Kurt gets all bent out of shape when Schuester won’t let them do Britney again…”Geez, let loose a little would you? Stop being so f**king uptight all the time.”
Drugs plus Britney Spears are shaping up to be a bad influence…and a good influence. All at once.
Rachel (Lea Michelle) (who is fighting with Finn (Cory Montheith) over not being “sexy” enough) goes to the dentist, does some (dentist) drugs and has a “Hit Me Baby One More Time” fantasy. After Rachel’s fantasy, she realizes that she can be the pretty girl and she takes the school girl outfit to a whole new level. The annoying afro’d dork screeches to Finn with libidinous force: “What do you want for her? I’ll give you anything. I’ll kill my parents and give you my house.”
Even Santana says: “Well, Rachel, congratulations. While you normally dress like fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark specific fetish, I actually dig this look. Yay.” Personally, we think Rachel always looks hot and we’re tired of them always playing her as a mediocre loser. But, whatever. That’s what makes good television. Totally unbelievable characters. Or maybe we are “perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark specific fetish.”
Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) sees this and sits Will Schuester down. She has the best monologue on television ever: “Don’t let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop-culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder-peg of sexual deviance, William. And in my office I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. I’m not kidding. It’s like an ink blot stain, that butt stain. Stare into it. And watch all that is good go out of the world.”
This is what makes Sue Sylvester the funniest character on television. You see the genius? You don’t? Look closer! Stare into it!
Since this is the Britney-Spears-episode and not the Jane-Lynch-episode, Britney Spears shows up in Artie’s (drugged) fantasy dressed in a WMHS cheerleading costume. Artie (Kevin McHale) has felt “not good enough” for Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) and eventually convinces Coach Beast to let him on the football team. But only with the help of a little “Britney” drug. Britney: “I’m serious, you should put ranch dressing on it.” Tina: “On pizza?” Britney: “Yeah, it’s delicious you should try it.” Brittany: “I’m 100% in love with you right now.” Britney then admonishes Tina for breaking up with Artie. He states solemnly that he is “stronger” and then performs “Stronger” backed by WMHS football players. Tina watches from the bleachers. Yawn.
Schuester eventually lets the kids do Britney Spears (duh, did you think he wouldn’t?) because he wants to impress Emma with his “wild” ways. No! She can’t break up with Uncle Jesse. We want Schuester to be with Rachel’s mom and make it really weird. Weird and sexy. Hey, Glee writers? Are you reading this? Do what we say!
Glee kids plus Schue strap on some bowler hats and do a pretty gorgeous, jazzy version of “Toxic.” That is one iTunes mp3 we will put on our wish list. And then, because Britney Spears is a gateway drug for the young and sexually charged, the teenage audience goes crazy screaming things like “Mr. Schue let me be your Britney” and “You’re so sexy. Don’t stop doing that. Yes, yes.” Sue Sylvester proclaims that this is a “Britney Spears sex riot” and lets off the fire alarm. Mayhem. Chaos. Anarchy.
General awesomeness ensues.
Emma sees that Schue is trying and says,”Look, have you ever noticed that Britney Spears can only make great music when she’s not chasing down paparazzi? She can’t just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the wall. She’s got to rein it in.”
That “grenade” in this episode is the “dangerous narcotic” that is the talented Miss Britney Spears! And it was best when swallowed.
So, did we get any clues to what our favorite girl Brittany is going to perform next? Maybe. At the end of the episode she says, “Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solo from now on? Next week, I will be performing a musical number by [lastfm]Ke$ha[/lastfm].”
You better let her, Mr. Schue. Because she’s Brittany…b*tch.
Read Britney Spears’ live-tweets long with our post to make it extra-fabulous. You know you want to!