By Ramon Gonzales
In this golden age of instantaneous communication, the world has officially become a significantly smaller place. Breaking news travels at the speed of a tweet and almost every question can score an immediate answer with a few simple clicks.
Yet as our technological reach continues to bridge gaps and make the world a much more connected place, our generation has managed to go from sharing their lives responsibly to being complete jerks with camera phones.
Read this and then hit your feed – odds are there are at least a few you can instantly think of.
These folks are pretty easy to spot. A few indicators – they always use “we” when referencing whatever team they are rooting for. As in “we got robbed”, “we had a great season” or “we’re gonna take it all the way”. Dawning a crispy new jersey or some bedazzled, bootleg team gear, these are the people that LOVE the Dodgers, but only when it’s Hello Kitty Bobblehead night. These are the people that are about that Laker Nation, but can’t name anyone other than Kobe and still don’t know Swaggy P’s real name. “We” didn’t know you made the team. “We” are curious why you aren’t in game day shape? #superfannumber99
How often have you been eating a Stouffer’s French Bread pizza at 3am and come across the guy/girl that condensed a whole workout into a fantastic 10-second instagram video? Were you not aware that it was #TricepTuesday? I bet you were not going to go to the gym, but then you came across a quote that read something like, “the treadmill is my Friday night party” and lone behold, you were pulling into 24 Hour Fitness. We get it, you are healthier than us – please just don’t post another sad photo of grilled chicken breast and broccoli. #paleo
The Humble Hoochie
Just recently, our generation lost one of the greatest and most often quoted voices in Maya Angelou. Do not fear however, her legacy as a brilliant, inspirational wordsmith will forever endure so long as there are girls that need something intelligent to pair with photos of their cleavage. Nothing says “I’m deep” like coupling a photo of that cutup Ramones t-shirt and a timeless quip from Friedrich Nietzsche. #imdoingme
The Sympathy Ninja
Mastering the art of being vague with a photo, these folks will post an image of an emergency room entrance or a hospital identification wristband and follow up with NO explanation whatsoever. Ensue the flood of “OMG”, “R U ok”, and “WTF?!” comments to solicit some kind of news and still – nothing. Or better yet, the true Ninja Master will elude to some emotional turmoil by responding to the comments with a “I don’t wanna talk about it on IG”. #iwillsurvive
The Dignified Diner
Dead give away – there will be some photos somewhere that include pork belly and possibly microgreens. These are the people that have to make the ordinary, extra. Eggs Benedict? Not unless it has Sriracha Hollandaise and over easy Dinosaur eggs, harvested locally of course. The flip side to this coin is the confused connoisseur that uploads stills of their Fresh-N-Easy ready-made Fettuccine Alfredo and hashtags it food porn. #nope
The Never Say Die
This person essentially created an Instagram account to chronicle every drink they will ever consume, ever. From Margaritas to the IPA they don’t understand the abbreviation for, to shots of Fireball, and of course, that Mimosa number 6 on Sunday Funday – this is the digital equivalent to the person at the bar/party that counts their drinks. Not always, but most times, there is a photo of their kids in the mix, but the drink to kid ratio in terms of photos is almost always 5 to 1. #iearnedthis
The PAGE TURNER
This book is sooooo good I can’t put it down. Wait, I can put it down just long enough to take a photo of it to prove that I am reading. Because I do. I read. A lot. Look, I even hashtagged this post #bookworm #nerd – see? Told you. #barnesandnoble
The SUPERSTAR SELFIE
No longer is it just ladies with that weird crippled flamingo hand on the hip thing, or dudes with way too revealing V-neck shirts and pouty lips – these examples of self indulgence would almost require a personal photographer – but there is an app for that. It is insanely rude to talk about yourself ad nauseam, but no one said anything about snapping countless photos of your own mug for the world to enjoy. #itsnotyouitsme